I'm afraid of myself-HELP?!?!?

I'm losing it, I've been battling depression and im officially terrified of myself. I lost it this morning and went postal on myself and now i'm sobbing in bed with my laptop....I messaged my ex how sorry i was that he had to be ashamed of me....he hasn't spoken to me in 3 months besides to say "I HATE YOU" and I'm losing it...I missed my doctors appointment yesterday and now I have to go to a reschedule...Everything is falling apart and i don't know what to do.....I need him to care....I don;t want to be alone with myself feeling like htis....how do i turn off feeling for a while....I don;t care how I just want to stop losing it